so naive at midnight

the lists fill my mind-
there is no empty warmth here.
there is nothing but everything
it buzzes above my own breathing
i can't calm down, and i can't stop it

he's asleep so soundly
i don't want to wake and worry him
his warmth brings me solace and yet i am ashamed
that i am like no other: normal without pain

is that the truth or what we chose to see
what we chose to reveal:
a fake california closet-- organized, designed, and oppressive

and i
always
buy into it

i can't help it,
i am very busy measuring and judging myself.
too busy trying to fit-in and do the right thing
trying to be the best that i can be
i always fall short, it's impossible to recreate that dream. that image.

so, i buy into the ones everyone tries to sell me
it helps to keep me feeling inadequate