i sat on my son's bed tonight and wept.
uncontrollably.
holding his infant clothes up to my face.
trying to connect to what i was never able to connect with.
my infant.
my newborn.
my love.
he is two now. and with me. safe and happy.
i know i mustn't cry. i know i mustn't be sad. we are happy now.
but there is a void within me-- an emptiness--
that howls- as my breath rises in my body.
a haunting-
of days that passed with anxiety, depression, isolation
and no connection to my thriving, loving, little boy.
i will always miss you.
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