Meditations on being Perfect

Meditations on being Perfect

The other day I attended a workshop dealing with Anxiety in Youth. I see so many students suffering from anxiety and depression, and it feels the number grows every year. I learned a great deal of practical information, but one thing in particular was most illuminating. 

I have always wondered where the desire for perfection, which causes a great deal of anxiety, comes from.  I used to believe it arose from the way parents raise their children, and supported at school by teachers who emphasize excellent results.  I had learned that emphasizing effort over grades and final results would combat a drive towards perfectionism.  I also believed that supporting mistakes as an opportunity for growth could also be a powerful antidote, but I have since learned that it is far more subversive and complicated than that. 

My friend, a hypnotherapist, has taught me that some people, more than others, are greatly impacted by subliminal messages, so to them it matters more what they see and sense than what you say.  I think that is where the old adage, do as I say; not as I do, comes from- in hopes that the ideals we communicate are being followed, rather than how we actually live our lives. But unfortunately, kids seem to learn from what we do far more than from what we say.  I remember my first year teaching, I would tell my students to speak nicely with one another, and one day I saw them all shushing a very loud student in an almost aggressive way.  It jarred me as I realized that I shush this boy! And I must be shushing him in this exact way, why else would 5 kids all be shushing him in the same exact way?  We are a product of our environments and learn so much from what our parents, teachers, and society models for us. 

And, sadly, the greatest thing we are modeling, as a society is perfection.  We are all striving to be better versions of ourselves, through our diet, exercise, home renovations, etc.  Just look at social media, those who appear perfect have the greatest number of followers.  We are a society obsessed with perfection.  And it is causing us to feel more and more anxious and depressed, because perfection is unattainable. 

While sitting in the workshop I realized that although I am not “that parent” (that drives her kids to tutoring so that they can achieve straight As) or “that teacher” (that gives a public prize to students who achieve 100% on tests), I still grapple with my own desires for perfection. I do want the house neat and tidy all the time, because people in neat and tidy homes are always so happy, right? Well, at least they are on TV and in magazines, so I want that.  I also love it when my nails are done and I am slim and trim.  I look like the happy girls in magazines when I achieve that goal, which means I too am happy, right? I realize that the answer is no.  But subliminally I have been trained to think this way. 

It takes conscious effort to consider the root of my happiness, and when I do, it is never because I am my goal weight, or that my house is clean, or that the tiles and grout in my kitchen are perfect. Those things do bring me happiness but that happiness is fleeting and pretty shallow, to be honest.  It is not a high-impact long lasting joy at all.  What truly brings me joy is my attitude, my health, my family’s health and happiness, and the times that I am consciously aware of the fleeting gift of the present moment. 

The workshop made me realize that all my hurried cleaning in my classroom and at home sends my students and kids the wrong message: everything must be perfect to be good.  I also realized that putting myself down for being imperfect (which I have been know to do in front of my kids!) is really poor modeling!!

So, I vow to show everyone in my midst that I embrace everything that is imperfect; because I am truly getting tired of the anxiety it causes us.  It makes me sad that we are raising a whole generation of nervous perfectionists because we have not realized that perfection is killing us! A recent study states that people eat poorly when they are feeling badly about themselves- we eat poorly because we feel bad about how we look.  Striving for perfection is literally killing us!

So, let’s stop feeling bad about not being perfect, and instead embrace it because as the imperfect Gods of Egypt used to say: A beautiful thing is never perfect.